From the Rector…
Our capacity for self-compassion can be limited at times. As Americans, we grow up in a world that is achievement oriented and competitively minded. We tie our worth to our ability to succeed or win and thus only understand our worth in terms of how we compare with others. At times, we even question our worth when we are succeeding, believing ourselves unworthy of our successes or doubting our ability to maintain our success. Success might bolster our self-esteem, and there is nothing wrong with that, but it does so at a cost if it only encourages a self-perfecting and/or self-promoting motivation for how we engage the world.
When we lack self-compassion, we are less accepting, tolerant, and kind toward ourselves. We don’t care for ourselves as we ought in part because we don’t value who we are as God’s children and hold ourselves to a higher standard than even God has set for us. We stay in dysfunctional relationships and encourage others to do the same—even if those relationships are harmful to ourselves or others. We don’t like the way we look and spend ridiculous amounts of money trying to achieve some made-up standard of what beauty might look like. We don’t care about ourselves and are willing to believe that we are not good enough or that we are an imposter in our own skins—especially when things are going well! We are constantly trying to please others without cause or concern for our own health—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
We are tired, but we don’t take naps. When we are hungry, we swing through the drive-thru and eat food that is not healthy for us. We sit on the couch and watch tv rather than going for a walk. We complain instead of allowing our curiosity to investigate our own feelings and expectations of life. We are fearful and depressed and more concerned with the talking heads on television or social media than with trusting in God and doing what is good and true and beautiful. We lack self-compassion.
Self-compassion is not being self-centered. When we practice self-compassion, we take care of ourselves even as we attend to the feelings and needs of others. Being self-centered is about getting so caught up in ourselves, we don’t have room for anyone else. It’s also not about self-pity. Self-pity is concerned only with how we are affected by the changes and chances of this world without regard for others versus self-compassion which helps us to see our problems and challenges within the broader shared human context. Nor is self-compassion about self-gratification—the compassionate person doesn’t compromise their core values or priorities to impulse but instead is mindful of our need to treat ourselves at times and avoids judgment of self when we fall prey to our temptations. Self-compassion has to do more with self-liking and the ability to be as kind to ourselves as we would to any child in need while maintaining a peace and concern with our own sufferings and successes that is grounded in our self-worth and humility.
Jesus understood the fundamental need for self-care, self-love, and even self-preservation. He went off to a mountain to pray even when everyone was looking for him to come and heal them. He talked about how much he was loved and known by the Father. He surrounded himself with disciples who cared for him and allowed their friendship and love to carry him to the cross knowing that sacrifice is the ultimate shared human experience. To know true self-compassion as Jesus shows us, is simply to reconnect to the part of yourself that still cares—about creation, about people, about God—the part of yourself that is still vulnerable and raw even and especially if it is barricaded behind the walls of protection that you have built throughout your lifetime.
We are children of God—created by God, loved by God, and each of us is called good by God. Hold on to yourself and value who you are. Your self-compassion is the ground from which your heart grows exponentially in love. When Jesus gives the disciples the great commandment, he tells them to love God and love their neighbor as they love their own self. The great commandment implies that we can only love the other if and when we are loving ourselves first. And self-love is only possible when we love God. Love God, love yourself, and then get on with the business of loving one another and maybe show yourself a little more compassion.