From the Rector…
No one likes to suffer. But how we respond to our suffering can shape who we become.
Many of us reach for a pint of frozen yogurt or curl up under a blanket to binge-watch Netflix as a way to cope with anxiety or emotional pain. Some turn to online shopping, others to alcohol—anything to avoid the discomfort. We often seek distraction as a form of self-soothing, forgetting that distraction is not the same as self-care.
There are times when self-soothing is necessary—especially when the pain is so acute that it might lead to further harm. In those moments, creating distance from our suffering can help us regain perspective, strength, and the capacity to engage with the pain in a healthier way. But when we are able, holding space for our suffering can help build resilience and make us more grounded, compassionate members of society.
Self-care isn’t about escaping pain—it’s about making space to feel it. It’s about sitting with our difficult emotions, especially in moments of suffering. Several biblical figures come to mind when I think of those who exemplified this. Take Mordecai, for example. When he heard that the king was planning to destroy the Jewish people, his first reaction wasn’t to run to Esther or devise a plan. Instead, he put on sackcloth and ashes and went to the city gate.
That is what it means to feel one’s pain. Mordecai didn’t immediately rush into action or try to rally support. His first response was to stop, allow the anguish to wash over him, and fully acknowledge the weight of the moment. That’s where true self-care begins. And the more specifically we can name our feelings and allow ourselves to experience them, the more resilient we become.
Self-care is not about getting stuck in the pain. It’s about honoring the experience, letting it move through us, and then choosing how we grow from it. The decisions we make from a place of self-care are often very different from those made in a state of self-soothing. They lead us toward deeper growth and a healthier emotional and spiritual life.
Numbing our feelings or denying our pain usually leads to even greater suffering. As difficult as it is, facing our pain—naming it, and even claiming it—can empower us. In a BANI world (Brittle, Anxious, Nonlinear, Incomprehensible), where so much is unstable and fragmented, resilience is essential. And resilience isn’t something others can give us—it’s something we must cultivate within ourselves. It comes from discovering the strength that already lies deep inside us.
No one wants to suffer. But the suffering we encounter can make us stronger and more resilient, especially in a world where chaos and division often feel like the norm. Mordecai understood this. After allowing himself to sit with the pain for a while, he took action. Instead of checking out, he made a plan. He engaged others—even those who were hesitant—and together, they did something bigger than they could ask or imagine. By choosing to feel instead of numb, Mordecai aligned himself with a purpose larger than his own.
Suffering is never easy. But ignoring it doesn’t make it disappear—it only allows it to grow, often until we’re reduced to reactive, impulsive behavior. So the next time you reach for a chocolate bar or the TV remote, pause, take a breath, and ask yourself, “Is this self-soothing or self-caring?” Even if it is self-soothing and the choice that you make, simply asking the question moves you one step closer to intentionality, empowerment, and resilience.